Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream16 Blog): A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: 'A bit Kajagoogoo' (Valentines Special)

It's February 2016 and as I write this its just over 2 weeks before I step out on the RST stage as Bottom. It's also the month of romance and in this blog, I thought a Valentines special was in order; after all the Dream is full of love and lovers. 

Love. It's a funny old word isn't it ? it has a real spectrum of meaning too in the way we use it. For instance, I love my family, I love a cuppa, I love Jammie Dodgers and I also love listening to music. Same word, but entirely different use. It's a concept we all have a definition of. Very early on in the process, we as actors were asked the question: "Do you believe in love at first sight ?" My response was "Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time". And while the music of the Beatles probably influenced my answer, it also highlighted that moment when the sleeping Titania awakens and falls in love with the ass headed Bottom. 

Since working on the play, I've noticed that I'm getting regular dramatic epiphanies. They come out of nowhere, usually out of rehearsals and from the strangest places. I have wondered about ringing the NHS helpline to check out my symptoms (well there is a theatre connection even if it is an operating one); but I'm becoming more accustomed to them lately.  That moment when Bottom claps eyes on Titania is for her a real 'firework' event. For me playing Bottom, it is one where he too is transfixed by this vision he encounters. As an actor, you need to find what that moment feels like. And that's where Smooth Radio stepped in.

I love a bit of cheese. I'm not talking Brie or Wensleydale here; I'm talking those great songs that seem to be played relentlessly on these 'nostalgic' stations. Songs from the past designed to remind you of how radical you were back then, or what a better world it was. One of my favourite songs is "Miss Grace" by the Tymes. It's a classic song with a wicked deep 'be-doobee-doobee' line that I always sing along to. 

So there I am, singing along to it in the car, and I get my next epiphany. It's this part of the song that started it:

"Hey you, listen to me
I got a lot of truth I want to tell you
I just met a woman who turned me upside down
The rivers turn in their beds
Flowers bloom where she treads
She turns an awful lot of heads
When she comes to town.

The minute I saw your face
I knew that I loved you."

Bingo. This is what Bottom feels -his 'Miss Grace' is Titania and like the song, nature does bend to her presence. When she sees his face, "I knew that I loved you" And from then on it all gets a little more be-doobee-doobee….

If the truth be known however, My Titania moment happened 34 years ago. 

I was a young 2nd year drama student listening to The Jam, the Human League and Elvis Costello, enjoying the delights of Jacobean drama and Absurd theatre. I had my CND badge proudly positioned on my 50p jacket from the Cat Protection League. I was in a student hall of residence and every day at mealtimes, we all used to troop in to be fed. One morning over the tray stacking tower, I noticed this girl. She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. Actually she wasn't, but it's still a good line. She was actually a History student-and stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. So in awe was I of her, that I could not bring myself to speak to her. This unrequited admiration went on for a few months. I'd see her in the dining room, admire, then just console myself I was out of her league. In the words of Kajagoogoo I was 'too shy". It was not meant to be. My 'love' for this vision who made mealtimes just a little bit more exciting, was just that. Or so I thought.

By a twist of fate, one of my actor friends started dating a girl. By a twist of fate, this girl happened to be the best friend of the girl I'd admired from afar for many weeks. It transpired that my mystery girl had a secret. She had confided to her friend that for weeks she had been coming into the dining room and seeing this guy who she thought was gorgeous. She had seen him dancing at a nightclub and was impressed by the shapes he was throwing out. She thought he was a drama student, but she was also 'a bit Kajagoogoo' (the international language word for shyness) and so therefore hadn't initiated any conversation. Surprisingly, it was me she was talking about.

Two days later, I was on a date. Meeting properly face to face was awesome. We'd both spent weeks admiring the other and not doing anything about it. For my part, I could not believe someone so beautiful as this girl had seen in me something she found incredibly attractive. And I guess that's exactly what Bottom feels. 

The feeling I had when I met my mystery girl was my 'firework' moment. Like Bottom I could not believe what was happening; it felt a bit surreal and emotions of nervousness, excitement and fear seemed to forge together at once. A real "shivers down my backbone/got the shakes in my knee bone" moment. Standing there saying those first lines of conversation, there was a real sense of 'is this really happening'; hanging on to every word and trying to come to terms with the fact. Exactly like that first meeting Bottom has with Titania.



And now, that moment can be utilised in my performance as Bottom, because it's still as raw, as passionate and as vivid as it was all those years ago in a student bar somewhere in Loughborough. 

Do I believe in a love at first sight ? Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.

As for the mystery girl ? Well her name was Amanda and like Titania, she obviously cast some enchanted spell because we've spent the last 34 years together. She was the obvious choice for our stand in Titania, because she still works her magic on me every day. 

"Strangest thing of all you see/Is that this could happen to me". I know how Bottom felt when he met Titania……. because I've felt it too. 


Be-doobee-doobee.


And you can enjoy "Miss Grace" here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6UdO7eHEpQ

Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream16 blog): A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: Raging Donkey

Robert de Niro.

I don't know whether it's just me, but whenever said Robert crops up in conversation, someone always mentions the phrase 'method actor'. The conversation usually develops with a list of how he prepares for the role he is cast in; how he spends endless hours immersing himself in the role.  Piling on the pounds for 'Raging Bull' or driving around as a taxi driver for hours in his research for his role in...well you know the rest.

Obviously, like all good actors, Mr De Niro values the need to research the role he is playing. Understanding what makes a person who they are, the sort of life they live and the job they do, can make for a more 'believable' performance. It's generally called 'method acting'-a term coined by Lee Strasberg who advanced the ideas of the earlier 'System' that Stanislavsky had formulated.

In the weeks leading up to the main rehearsals for Dream 16, there's been a lot of individual research undertaken by the amateur acting groups as well as the RSC. Everything we need to know about the play, the period, the jobs of the rude mechanicals et al has been read, discussed and incorporated into our initial understandings of these characters who come together to perform a play. Having amassed so much background knowledge, I feel I know a lot more about the role of Bottom as a weaver and amateur actor. But I felt there was one piece of vital research missing.

Like many of us, I think I 'know' about donkeys. I rode them on the beaches, my brother had a donkey jacket, I played Buckaroo as a kid and later Donkey Kong. So I think in terms of playing one, I had felt sufficiently able to use that in the section of the play where Bottom is 'transformed'. However, it struck me that for at least a quarter of his time on stage, Bottom is an 'ass' and in terms of iconic Shakespearean moments is one audiences seem to know. The researcher inside me wanted to do more and explore what it might be like to be transformed into an ass, without bedding down in a stable for three weeks.

So with the phrase "What would Robert de Niro do ? " running through my head, I found myself trotting along to the Birmingham Donkey Sanctuary.

The Donkey Sanctuary was founded as a charity in 1969, by Dr Elisabeth Svendsen MBE. She dedicated her life to champion donkeys, and it is only through her amazing devotion that the Sanctuary grew to the international charity it is today. Their mission is to transform the quality of life for donkeys, mules and people worldwide through greater understanding, collaboration and support, and by promoting lasting, mutually life-enhancing relationships.

Based in a lovely corner of Sutton Park in sunny Brum, it was the ideal place to see whether watching Rex Harrison in 'Doctor Doolittle' had indeed paid off and if the donkey posse would recognise a fellow ass.

I was introduced to Andy, who was one of the grooms at the centre. We had a great discussion about donkey traits and the signs that show emotions. For instance, donkeys move quickly away if they are 'afeared', and then will move cautiously back to explore; they also like nothing more than to be stroked around the jaw -which will produce a lovely wobbly lip movement showing enjoyment. There's also the 'nudging' they do when they want to get your attention. 

Andy then invited me to come into the field where a whole bray of donkeys were standing to get up close and personal. Striding into a muddy field in wellies to do a 'meet and greet' with the donkey gang was brilliant. They really are gentle and noble creatures, and there was a real sense of calm amongst them, despite having this pretender to the donkey throne in their presence. 

Donkey's have amazing voices too. When they bray, the noise they make is incredible and together their animal chorus is nothing short of impressive. Just like their movements, their calls indicate all sorts of emotions and a cry of fear is rather like an asthmatic cough-wheezy and repetitive. In terms of transferring this vocal quality to me as Bottom, I think Michael Corbidge would have his work cut out !



Seeing -and being surrounded- by these noble beasts was not only great for some research, but also reinforced why the Donkey Sanctuaries across the UK do a lot of therapy work with children and adults. There's a real magic in the connection between man and beast and the staff work hard to give both donkeys and visitors a fantastic 'hands on' experience. It's hard to put into words, but I'd certainly go and visit a donkey sanctuary to see for yourself.

I think Robert de Niro would approve of my research. In fact, to ensure I keep up to date with the latest in donkey trends and issues, I've adopted a donkey called Oscar at the centre. There was something about the name that seemed to appeal to me…for what reason I don't know. But as rehearsals start to kick in and the donkey moment approaches, I feel my donkey research has been a useful tool in my thinking. Gosh, after all that sharing methinks I have a desire for a bottle of hay….


.
To find out more about the work of the Donkey Sanctuary visit:

http://www.thedonkeysanctuary.org.uk

or on Twitter: @DonkeySanctuary  @BhamDonkeys

or Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Donkey-Sanctuary-Birmingham-210707702284465/?fref=ts


Big thank you to Sara, Andy and all the team at the Birmingham Donkey Sanctuary for their help and support.

Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream 16 Blog): A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: "The Year of the Donkey"

It's official. Forget the Year of the Monkey. 2016 without a doubt is going to be the Year of the Donkey. Well of course I would say that wouldn't I ? It's common knowledge to all readers of this blog that I am playing Bottom with the Nonentities in Stratford in Feb/March and June this year. It's going to be an unforgettable experience and an event which will be one of the 'stand out' moments of my life so far. But as I head towards the rehearsals 'kicking off' proper (donkey terminology already infiltrating my psyche), I've actually had a real epiphany about my Bottom and who I am basing him on. I'm the sort of actor who likes to find a starting point to build a character from. Up till now, the inspiration for the interpretation has been based on general ideas about trades people and workers. But just before Christmas 2015 all that was about to change. And surprisingly, it's come from a source that was there all the time……...

The BBC have been following a number of us around filming our reactions to the RSC hangouts and tasks and also in our natural habitats. Part of this process has involved having an in depth one to one interview about my dramatic pathway. Amongst the questions, the most difficult to answer was the one: "What would your parents think about you performing at the RSC ?" Sadly, both of them have 'gone to glory' and I could only answer it by saying I thought they would be 'proud' because they were the type of parents who never stopped me from pursuing my dreams as I grew up. Hard question really.

I come from a 'working class' background. My dad worked at the Longbridge Car Plant for most of his life and my mom stayed at home to look after myself and my brother. Working in the car factory was a dirty job and my Dad had one of the most repetitive jobs of all-working on 'the track'. This involved fixing together endless pieces of components as they moved along on one great converter belt. In that sense, he was a mechanical. On the odd occasion he would swear too, so I guess he was also 'rude' at times. He came home from that job every weekday dirty and tired.

When I was younger I sometimes used to go and meet him at the factory gate, as a swarm of car workers flooded out from Longbridge in their working clothes, caps and grime. This was a job that involved blood, sweat and carburettors. Graft of the highest order. Working men working long hours to manufacture car parts for the automotive industry. I don't think at the time I appreciated how much patience, determination and stamina had to go into this kind of physical work. The smiles of the workers leaving the gate a relief that the shift was over and that they could go home and escape the monotony of the track. Banter and goodbyes exchanged as they set off for the buses or cars to get them home to their council houses.

Leisure for my parents had to wait till the weekend, where they escaped the black and white world of our EKCO box TV set and danced their way down to the British Legion in Hockley, Birmingham. This was the world of club entertainment and bingo and full of working class trades people who like my parents  lived for their Saturday night foxtrot. It was a bit of an alien world to me and as a young boy I passed a lot of the time observing how the adults behaved. This was a real grounding in developing characterisations as my interest in acting developed ! Amongst the mild and bitter, the cheese and pickle sandwiches and standing at the end of the evening to the National Anthem, you really got a sense of workers at play. The banter, the fun, the singing, the drunkeness…..but a real spirit and sense of community and celebration. It was lovely to see my Dad come alive at the weekend considering the slog of the work he had to do to keep paying the rent.

So where is this 'tail' (donkey in the psyche breaking through again) going ? I recently received the costume designs from the RSC. Looking through the ideas for Bottom's costume, I came across a group shot of factory workers. It reminded me of the type of men I saw coming through the gates at Longbridge all those years ago. That's when I had my epiphany. It had been there all along. The inspiration for my Bottom is actually rooted in my past. Suddenly, it all fell into place. There in my Dad was Bottom himself-a worker, a man full of warmth, who enjoyed meeting his friends down the club, who never forgot where he was from and proud to be from the 'working class'.

When I read my lines, I can now hear my Dad's voice echoing in them, can see those looks and gestures when he was telling me something really important or just indulging in repeating the catch phrase of a Dad joke for the third time running. He has inadvertently become my acting inspiration for this part and though he's not around to see whether I do a decent job of my 'Brummagem Bottom', I think he'd be chuffed to see me walking out on that stage.

So, when you see my Bottom, I hope you'll catch glimpses of a man who was a true, rude mechanical in every sense of the phrase: Edwin Clarke the car mechanic-al. Nuff said.

Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream 16 Blog) : A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: Pieces of Fate

"Life's like a jigsaw
You get the straight bits
But there's something missing in the middle"
(Andy Partridge, XTC)

I've been musing recently (in a 'Henry V' stylee ) on the diversity of experience within the Dream 16 project. I was going to write about how we Dreamers are part of 'life's rich tapestry' in a theatrical sense; but as my sewing skills only stretch to replacing buttons on shirts (I do not possess Starveling's skill set), then it was the above lyric which seemed to resonate.

We've all had experience of a jigsaw. It's a standard childhood toy and as we get older, and we progress from the 100 piece to the 5,000 piece jigsaw, the challenge to complete the picture does not diminish. If you have ever worked with another family member on one, there always seems to be a competitive element, where the slotting in of the last piece has some sort of significance. There are those who will deliberately hold the last piece back so that they can triumphantly complete with the final piece.

Then there's the whole approach to the putting together of the jigsaw. Most people go for the straight bits, so they can construct a frame; others start grouping colours together. Each person has their system to solve and of course, the biggest aid to this puzzle is the picture on the box. Without the picture, it makes the jigsaw harder to complete. Likewise, a piece missing can provide a real headache and disappointment in our sense of completion. Some pieces fall into place with ease, others you try and push into place, only realising after a few attempts you may need to reconsider your approach.

So, this got me thinking about the Dream 16 process which is actually a theatrical jigsaw puzzle on a much larger scale. Erica, Kim and Sophie have the enormous task of putting together a rather large and colourful jigsaw. They are facing the perils of the puzzler as noted above.

The straight bits are already there: 84 amateur actors and 14 amateur directors. All our companies are part of the puzzle. New pieces are being added as the project progresses, slotting in pieces of voice and movement workshops, training primary school teachers through the Education team, developing the musical score as the picture emerges.

However, there are many more pieces to place: the professional cast, the lighting and sound team, the stage managers and so on. They are important pieces in the evolving puzzle of getting Dream 16 on tour. Logistically, this must be one of the most challenging jigsaws that the RSC team have had to oversee in terms of bringing together so many pieces in terms of amateurs, school children, education team, professional cast, professional crew and touring it around the UK for six months.

For me, that would be like working on a jigsaw without the picture; for the RSC team, it is the result of months of planning just how to put those pieces into place. You have to admire the sheer brilliance and hard work that has gone on behind the scenes to facilitate this. There are no quick answers, no short cuts.

I am sure there are still missing pieces and parts of the puzzle that still..well puzzle…but as the project develops the jigsaw grows and new pieces become added to the bigger picture. We as amateur groups become part of a bigger community jigsaw as our participation in the project grows. Open Stages began the first stages of this community jigsaw and Dream16 is now developing that ethos. It's no longer a puzzle, it's become an emerging picture of how amateur theatre can combine with the professional world and create something special. Something VERY special.

The last piece of this jigsaw will not be put into place when the show finishes its run in Stratford on the 16th July. Far from it. The jigsaw continues. The Dream 16 project becomes part of a larger jigsaw,  another major piece to add to the RSC's history and it's rich tapestry of diverse performances. We 'rude mechanicals' and the many groups that auditioned for Dream 16 (and those that have taken part in the Open Stages projects over the years) are already linked to theatrical history. More importantly,we will all remember the part we played in the process and the day we went to Stratford and kicked dramatic ass.

Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream 16 Blog) : A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: That Abba Moment

Im nothing special. (In fact, I'm a bit of a bore.) If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before. But I have a talent, a wonderful thing, cos everyone listens when I start to….sorry…bit of an Abba moment there. But it's got me thinking about talent. That 'wonderful thing' that now even has a whole set of programmes devoted to finding who's got 'it' in Britain. And what is it that makes everyone listen when I start to….bake ? Mow the lawn ? Read the gas meter ?

You see I've never really considered what 'it' is the 'it' I've got. And yet I find myself writing this as someone who in a few months time is about to step on the stage of the RSC to perform in "A Midsummer Night's Dream". How did that happen ? (Well of course I know HOW it happened, but it's still a state of mind that I'm constantly pinching myself about. Ouch ! There I go again..)

I am an amateur actor and have been for many years. And yes, in that work there's been the moments where I've hoped that Speilberg will be in the audience and recognise my acting prowess and star quality and whisk me off to Hollywood to star as E.T.'s father in the long awaited sequel……come on…we've all had those dreams ! But we know that in the amateur world that rarely happens and the best we can hope for is maybe a decent mention in a five star review in the local news Arts section, or something on Twitter telling the social media world how fabulous we were dah-lings ! It's brilliant to be celebrated by your community and peers, knowing that you have done a 'good job' with your performance and in the bar afterwards we love the praise and plaudits. So I guess in our amateur world, we obviously have 'it' -the difficulty is that avenues to celebrate that fact are very rare. We are not in it for the 'Money money money'; we do it because we love performing. We are all 'super troupers'.

If you're a musician or a dancer, TV caters for your 'it' with a number of talent programmes where you can demonstrate your ability. I 'd love to see a delivery of a Shakespearean monologue win 'Britain's Got Talent' or maybe a Bergomask dance storming to the final of "Got to Dance" ( or even getting a SEVEN ! from one of the judges on 'Strictly'). But sadly, acting in terms of demonstrating your 'it' has no outlet in TV. And of course, that leaves a lot of amateur actors with no route to showcase their talents to a wider audience.

Which is exactly why we need more projects like Dream 16. The RSC have taken a bold and imaginative step with the Open Stages work to include and celebrate the amateur community work. In a genius move, hundreds of amateur actors have been able to share their 'its' not only on RSC stages, but in auditions across the country with their companies. We've been given access to workshops with trained practitioners, tasks to challenge and develop our skills and countless opportunities to engage with professional theatre at its best. Of course, there's lots of examples of community collaboration and initiatives between professional theatre and amateur groups across the UK….but this has to be globally a real first.

And the thing we all appreciate the most is that the professionals never treat us as amateurs, recognising that we all have something to offer and that they stop and listen when we start to….....act. The feedback we are receiving as participants in the project is theatrical gold. When it comes from someone who 'knows their stuff' it's the stuff that 'Dreams are made of'.  I like hearing I've got a good Bottom (not because I have body issues ) but more for the fact that it means something coming from the specialists in their field. Not only am I happy they  decided to 'take a chance on me' (and all the other amateurs in this project) but "I have a dream " that this will just be the start of something big where our 'its' can be shared more widely.

When Abba won the Eurovision song contest all those years ago, no one had any idea of where it would take them. Everyone listened when they started to sing. Will us Dreamers, have the same success ? If you're asking me I'd have to say "I do, I do, I do I do, I do……."

Hmmmm wonder if they will make Titania into a Dancing Queen…...

Hooves on Fire (RSC Dream 16 Blog) : A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom: "I am Spartacus !"

I am Spartacus ! No…I am Spartacus…..well actually I am NOT Spartacus. I'm Bottom…well technically speaking the actor playing Bottom in  "A Midsummer Night's Dream"at the RSC….rewind..I'm actually one of 14 Bottoms from across the UK who like the 14 Quinces, the 14 Flutes, the 14 Snugs, the 14 Starvelings and the 14 Snouts, have been selected to play the rude mechanicals in the RSC touring production of the Dream.

For some reason I'm reminded of the old mathematical riddle about the person going to St Ives, who meets a man man with seven wives. In Dream, we have numerical combinations of weavers, tinkers, carpenters, tailors, joiners and bellows menders. And for those who are mathematically challenged like myself that's a big truckload of amateur actors representing these roles. And just like the man going to St Ives (who had to encounter a veritable crowd of people on a probably very narrow coastal path), all of us in our companies are on a similar journey.

There's no doubt that Bottom is an iconic role, but he/she is only one sixth of a group of people who have come together to put on a play. And that's the brilliance of Dream 16. It could have been oh so easy to just select 14 actors across the country to play the role of Bottom; but what Dream 16 has done is tapped into the very heart of amateur theatre where the actors who perform in these groups all have other jobs during the day. Like the mechanicals themselves, they come together to create theatre.

I love the team element of this project. The Mechanicals are a group entity and while some may see Bottom as the 'main role' in this team, without the other 5 he (or she) is actually nothing. Without a Quince to lock horns with, a Flute to duet with, a Snout to impress, a Snug to roar at and a Starveling to  tailor for, Bottom has no one to bounce off. He can't kick dramatic ass without those fellow actors around him. Each mechanical has their part to play and the fact that for the vast majority of the play they always appear onstage together, suggests to me that Shakespeare was 'well into' showing the solidarity of these players, united in an art from they all love.

Someone once said there are no small parts, only small actors. While Bottom may have a lot to say for himself in the mechanicals scenes, the dialogue and interactions from the others-no matter whether its one line or ten lines-is crucial to helping the audience understand the bond these fellows have. Yes they may disagree, yes they may not be too vocal-but at the end of the day they are all important in their own right.

Our journeys as companies to the promised land of performance with the RSC and at the RST rely on that team work and support. We all have a voice and the opportunity to document that individual journey. We as a whole group of 84 actors and 14 directors are part of a huge team of performers, complimented by the professionals at the RSC.  That is brilliant.

I am Spartacus !  Actually, we all are…….

Hooves on Fire (Dream 16 Blog) : A Donkey's Tale by the Nonentities Bottom

Blog 1: Is this a donkey I see before me…..



The universe. Big, powerful, 'out there' and at times possessing a quirky sense of humour. Flash back in a De Lorean style to 1966. I'm five years old and it's my first nativity play; in fact my first foray into the world of acting. Everyone in the class is hungry for the big roles: Joseph, Mary, the 3 Kings, the Good Shepherds, Archangel Gabriel et al. It's a nervous time and you can smell the tension eminating from the carpet we are all sitting on, (at least I think that smell was tension ) waiting for the teacher to announce the casting. I'm really quite excited by the whole thing as it's been built up in the run up to Christmas that this is THE highlight of the primary school calendar.

One by one, the parts are announced…ok so I'm not going to be Joseph…or Mary for that matter. That's fine because a) Joseph is a bit of a boring role, even if he is a main one and b) the days of gender specific casting are still in play. I'm not overly surprised that Joseph has been given to a boy who's been a milk monitor for the past few weeks. Next comes the Archangel Gabriel; a good part in terms of costume and that glittery halo really adds the stamp of authority. Again my hopes are dashed and it's given over to a boy who wipes the blackboard clean at the end of the day. The 3 Kings are announced in quick succession, and those of us who have not yet been named, are rapidly calculating what's left for the taking: Shepherds and Animals.

Suddenly, there is a glimmer of hope, as the role of the Innkeeper is announced. The 'un-named' sit up straight, straining with enthusiasm that it will be our name that will be called next. The immortal line "There's no room at the Inn" is one of the iconic lines in the Nativity and a real scene stealer. Hope soon fades. It's given to the son of a local greengrocer, mainly I suspect because his Dad runs a shop so he will have some experience of running a small business which will be useful for the Innkeeper role. My only consolation is the girl chosen for the role of the Innkeeper's wife starts to cry when she realises who she is being partnered with.

At this stage I'm beginning to think that this casting process is not about what you can do, but how well behaved you've been in class. I'm not a monitor and I don't think I've been a problem, but it would seem that the casting of the main roles is solely based on who is the teacher's favourites. This was a real light bulb moment and the point where I turned communist. I barely listened as the Shepherds were cast as I had a gut feeling that I was destined for the animals list.

There's not many of us left now without a part. A group of girls get cast as sheep and begin to giggle and bleat about it to others. The boys who struggle with Maths are herded together as cows. I've resigned myself to either being a cockerel or a pig. Everyone is looking at me, knowing that I'm not yet in the Nativity gang. The teacher smiles, looks directly at me and says:

"And as for you Christopher, you're going to be our donkey !"

Donkey. Don-key. What sort of a part was that ! For  a start it was a non speaking role and I didn't fancy the idea of having to piggy back Mary (aka Rebecca W) across the stage as we searched for an inn. The rest of the class took great delight in laughing at my donkey casting. The die was cast…..

Opening night (well afternoon actually) and I'm waiting to go and pay my donkey respects to the baby Jesus. As if to add insult to injury, I've been put in some brown corduroy trousers, a black roll neck pullover and a cardboard mask over my head. A rope tail swings behind me. This is apparently what costume deem as 'Nativity donkey'. It's a big occasion because my Mom is in the audience and so the pressure is on to make sure I deliver my part so convincingly that the audience believe that I am that donkey. Thing is, I'm still not relaxed with the role and I somehow cannot get into character. The brown corduroy look certainly hasn't helped. Suddenly, I'm pushed onto the stage and before I know it I'm kneeling at the crib, looking at the smug faces of my fellow classmates, dressed in their Kings finery, their Shepherds tea towels and paper angel wings. Joseph is standing with his hand on Mary's shoulder, looking at me as if to say "You will NEVER be a milk monitor". Everyone is happy and smiling-except me. I never wanted to be the donkey, never felt corduroy did anything for me, never wanted to be a monitor…and to show my angst I turned round to look for my Mom in the audience to communicate this to her.

That's when the camera clicked.

The picture shows me there, at the front, in my 'don't mess with the donkey' pose. My first acting role. A donkey. I don't remember receiving rave reviews for that first performance, but strangely it had given me the urge to do more acting to show I was not just a one trick pony. And of course, in hindsight, the universe was telling me that being a donkey was going to be not such a bad thing at some stage in the future…...

Don't mess with the Donkey